Am I sick? Stuck? or just plain stressed out?

It has been a while since I posted here..a LOOONG while. I am still half way there.

My summer has been filled with stress. While I know, that it would not have felt so stressful had I continued to make exersize a priority...that is just not what happened. I haven't seen the gym for a while. I did however, discover Zumba - AND that I like working out with friends. Exersize does not need to be a solitary, meditative practice.

I did find time to visit the Doctor this summer. Which has probably added to my stress. Yup...they found a little delay in one of the electrical impulses in my heart .....no that's not stressful. Recommended a sleep study...I am not sure why, other than the electrical thingy....I have panic attacks while falling asleep - but I don't wake up once I am in REM.

Then there is the high 'bad cholesterol'...um yeah did I mention the stress? A friend recommended ground flax seed as she has been successful in reducing her cholesterol by using it. I had 2 table spoons in my yogurt today. Once I was past the weird smell when I opened the container -it wasn't bad. Couldn't smell it over the peaches and it just added a little crunch to the bowl.

I had a stress test, last week ...the cute guy running the test looked at my EKG wierd...said it looks like there may have been a small MI...but I am too young....really - OK - let;s have a little more stress....and what about the weird dip when I have the anxiety...well he didn't know that either...it wasn't a skipped beat.

Great so Tuesday AM I get all my results.....makes me with I had taken up running...then I could run far far away from it all.

Half way there - trying to avoid self sabotage

Yup - that's right - I have lost 25 pounds. woo hoo yeah me!

The oddest thing happened when I reached this milestone...I started thinking that the next 25 is possible - then I had an anxiety attack. Since then I have slowly sabotaged myself by having just enough self control to maintain what I have loss, but not push it any further.

What is causing my fear? Am I afraid of who I will be should I reach my goal? Am I afraid of the expectations of others? Am I afraid that if I accomplish this goal, I will then have to reach others?

What would happen if I started setting goals and achieving them!?!?!

Self Discipline Needed

Up until this weekend I have done really well - hitting the gym 5 days a week - not leaving until I burn 400 calories.

I am afraid this weekend that I completely undid all the work I have done. I was at a convention. There was so much food, and for some reason I kept cleaning my plate. I was exhausted and never went looking for the fitness room, even though I took my workout gear with me.

The weekend included a lot of networking, that I am really to shy to do properly. I had to speak in public on a panel with people I highly respect and are somewhat in awe of. All self control went out the window. I let the stress and uncomfortable feelings overwhelm me.

Now I am home. Feeling squishy and watching The Biggest Loser from a chair instead of a treadmill like I usually do.

Who knew that confidence had so much to do with taking that step to get healthy.

Chick needs to eat more Chicken

Two weeks since my last blog post. It just doesn't seem interesting for me to write about heading to gym and trying to watch what I eat.

The hardest part about watching food intake is that I do not eat all the time - I probably eat too little. From what I have read we need to eat low-cal things all day long...I prefer a high cal meal and a low cal meal.

I cannot live on skinless boneless chicken breast and salad! Who wants to live thin if it means eating dry tasteless food. If you have anyway to cook a chicken breast so that it does not taste like the same chicken breast you had the night before - I would love to hear the recipe.

Biggest Loser

Holy Cow! - All I can say is these people are incredibly courageous. For those women to stand there in bike shorts and sports bras to be weighed publicly...I can't even begin to imagine doing something like that. I wear a baggy t-shirt and worm up pants to the gym...as brave as I get is changing in the locker room.

I haven't been on the scale for a while - I will check it out in the morning...but the progress I have seen is in my heart rate - I no longer go crazy high. So big yeah! I am not only doing this to fit into smaller jeans. I am also doing it because my Dad died at 52 of a heart attack and my Mom is fighting developing full blow diabetes. I want to be around many years like my 90 year old Grandmother who likes to help the "old" people at the local retirement home.

oh yeah, I ate a cupcake today...it was coconut and awesome. it accompanied a roast beef sandwich for my lunch and a bowl of Special K for dinner...so I'm not complaining.

I like to Move it Move it

After 4 days away from the gym, I was back at it today. I felt quite smug when I walked in and saw the place filled with people trying to maintain their New Year's resolutions....knowing that mine was not such a trivial membership, after all I have ad mine 2 whole weeks longer than they have....now if they would just get off the damn machines so I can listen to my music.

I have put together playlists designed to keep me moving on the elliptical and treadmill. Probably pretty generic for a child of the 80's.

Part of my workout playlist is below:

Can't help but move to:

Bruce Springsteen - Pink Cadillac
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
The Knack - My Sharona

For obvious reasons:

Poison - Unskinny Bop
Queen - Fat Bottom Girls
ZZ Top - Legs


What's playing in your ears on the treadmill?

Lessons from the Gym

Today I went crazy.

I went to the gym TWICE! I had a lot of energy and did not want to fold laundry or vacuum.

A few things I have learned in the last week. Do not use the 'Fat Burn' setting on the treadmill. This setting automatically adjusts the pace and incline to keep your heart beat at about 55%....well apparently I would have to come to a complete stop to do this and tripping over your feet on a treadmill is not safe.

the second thing is that when you are doing the weight circuit, just because you are following a woman 15 years older and very tiny does not mean that you will not have to adjust the machine to a lower weight.

I believe I mentioned before that I believe I was born without stomach muscles and a metabolism...well we can add triceps to that list too.

I wonder if I will be able to get out of bed in the morning.

I think I may have obliques!

I have gone to the gym everyday (except Christmas) - have done 30 minutes of cardio and the machines that work my core - so 7 workouts later I think I am feeling a change is my obliques (the sides of your waist).

I haven't hurt or been sore, I can just sort of feel some things that I haven't felt for a while - I'm not sure how I feel about that whole hurting like hell the next day thing anyway. I do know that my eyes do not like sweat in them, but I like it! - means I am actually doing something. The scale hasn't moved - but I am so excited about how I feel that it really doesn't matter!

I have a speaking engagement the first weekend in February..the skirt to my suit is 3 inches smaller than my waist. I cannot afford a new suit..or a new skirt...can I do 3 inches in 5 weeks? Dear God I hope so...or else that nightmare about standing in front of everyone in you underwear...It'll will be coming true for me!

I managed to hit the gym twice in 2 days. *round of applause please* Probably the most miraculous thing about this is that yesterday I went right after work. Normally I need a 20 minute power nap to recover from the day. The gym was closing early for their Christmas party and I wanted to develope a habit of going so in I went.

Day one I did 15 minutes on the treadmill, 15 minutes on the elliptical, Abs and back, pretty good for day one. I like to mix up my cardio so I don't get board...so switching machines, watching TV, listening to my iPod, and playing with the buttons makes the time go by.

Day Two - Forgot my iPod at work, so I watched Bones and challenged my self during commercials. I did the whole 30 minutes on the elliptical...I wish I could start at minute 10...because those first ten make me crazy.

Then came the magic...after the work out there was grocery shopping (no sweets purchased thank you), laundry (folded & put away), vacuming, trash removal, very little TV and I actually slept when I went to bed!

Now I expected changes...but on day TWO...I feel so good about my energy level and improved mood that the waistline barely matters...barely

Oh yeah...that no judgement thing, all I can say is it is a good thing that Planet Fitness cannot read my mind...because there are evil thoughts running around in there.

No Judgement Zone

Yesterday afternoon, my friend, favorite weight loss compadre & competitor, and I joined our local Planet Fitness.

I was half joking at the counter that they should not keep a supply of stickers on the counter as then would not want them to end up on the car of a Fluffy person...when the young woman responded "We are a judgement free zone". ...really, sounds nice but what does it mean - well, it means that power muscle builders are not there with a bunch of UGHs and CLANKS! and apparently it means that everyone gets an XL T-shirt, (That is really is!). so I am very happy and can't wait to start this evening...which means I will be posting tomorrow about how much I hate Purple & Yellow walls and machines with flashing lights that make me move.

However I know me and I saw that wall of mirrors...trust me there will be judgement going on...and it will be screaming in my head...don't do that move again! did you see the batwing juggle...wow who knew cellulite could be seen through layers of work out wear...judgement free zone..bless their purple little hearts.

The Creme Brulee Philosophy

First things First - I am at -5lbs!

I mentioned on day one that life was too short not to eat Creme Brulee, I have taken this as my weight loss philosophy. We all know that dieting does not work and that the changes you make should be lifestyle changes.

So the Creme Brulee Philosophy is eat only what you really like. how many times do you put something in your mouth that you are only lukewarm on...because it is there.

So I order the fajitas and skip the tortillas so I can have the chips...eat only the cream out of the oreos, eat only the ice cream toppings and not the silly old vanilla ice cream.

So live it up and only eat the calories that make your taste buds sing!

Dr. Evil and My Diet

After a weekend struggle to be good, (that included an argument with a Lindt Dark Chocolate bar with chili)I returned to work today. Only to be met by DR. EVIL.

Dr. Evil is a perfectly nice man that I work with, however he has an issue with sweets...he likes to share them. Today he brought in a box of Belgian Chocolate Cookies, and he left them open in the main office area. I am a weak weak woman, with some sort of mental block...that makes me not notice the cookie until it is in my mouth and I am chewing. ...on the upside - I finally looked at the calorie count at the end of the day - 140 calories per 3 cookie serving...not too bad after all but I am still hoping the night elves eat them all this evening.

Houston weather is NOT cooperating with the whole exercise aspect of this thing. My exercise of choice is a mile and a half walk in the evening...it got COLD - it actually snowed...then it started raining. The workout room in my apartment complex houses broken equiptment, I have asked my son for a gym membership for Christmas...so eventually I will befriend the elliptical machine again.

And away we go!....sort of

In order to know where I am going, have to know where I am...so, after staring at the scale for awhile this morning, I got on it. *GASP* crap! - OK my hair was wet and I must have had on what? - 5 pounds worth of clothes....probably not.

Stupid job...now I had to go to work and not crawl back in bed and hide under the blankets in my pretty pretty bed. So I put on my big girl pants (literally) - sucked it up and went to work.

No breakfast - I know! I know! most important meal of the day and all that stuff, but fruit or toast makes me hungry later...protein isn't suppose to do that, but eggs before 8am is gross!

Lunch - 3 meatballs in marinara, a salad with ranch on the side, a cup of minestrone and a cupcake...not having the meatballs on a roll was good, the cupcake not so much...but it was little and it had whipped lemon frosting!

Dinner consisted of 3 onion rings...the good choice about this was that we were at Sonic and I did not get a meal.

I figure if I took all those calories, totaled them up, that can't be bad for an entire day!...oh yeah, there was a peppermint...things like that end up in my mouth without me thinking...evil little bits of sugar.

Does wearing your sneakers all day count as exercise?

Social Experiment?...Not Really

So as I was falling asleep last night, it occurred to me to blog my attempt to lose weight. I have found at other times that I have been successful that there was an element of competition involved in it for me. I wondered if it was really competition or just some warped sense of accountability.

Also, keeping a food journal has worked..no one wants to write down that a package of Oreo was consumed...so I can now share the arguments with myself about making decent food choices with you!

So here we go.

My final goal - is to be 50 pounds less...no I am not telling you my starting number...I a glutton for cheesecake not pubic humiliation. Also, I would really like to stop cropping pictures just below my boobs...I have good calves...I should stand with things in front of me to have my pics taken.

I am hoping that by choosing the green as the template for this blog that it counts as a vegetable.

A few things I want to get straight to begin with:
I DO NOT see myself EVER exercising in the morning. I know some people that seem fairly sane do this...however I see it as a symptom of deep seeded self hatred

I will not give up Creme Brulee...I do not eat it a lot, and life is too short to go without the great things

And I am willing to give up starches, but not all carbs...because I think that messes with your brain - and I like my brain.